There are a lot of things we wish we could do to tourists sometimes. Here are the top ten as decided by me and a few of my friends.
10) Spraying them with the massive puddles we get downtown.
If we can make any use out of the ridiculous flooding, and the abundance of tourists downtown, it would be combining the two and drenching tourists as they scatter for cover. Ruining their phones so they could stop posting about how great it is here on their social media pages, which is just encouraging more tourism.
9) Tell them it's safe to drive your small car on the beach all the way to A Street, regardless of what the signs or cops say.
We all know that if you're driving a small car, you're not making it anywhere past a certain point. So next time a tourist asks you how to get off the beach, tell them to punch in A street on their navigation. Then find them in five minutes and have them pay you to tow them out.
8) Giving them long, convoluted directions to a nearby place downtown.
Let's say a tourist asks you for directions to Saragossa St. You should really try sending them in a couple loops downtown, through Lincolnville, and back down some of the old crappy brick roads on their way back. Hopefully they never find the road they're looking for.
7) Pushing them off the lion's bridge while they're taking pictures.
This is obviously one we DO NOT ENCOURAGE and strongly advise you never even think about attempting outside this article. But how many of us have thought about it, right?
6) Throwing hot dead fish on tourists while they're having a family cookout at the lighthouse park.
I'm just surprised it hasn't happened yet. Two great things so close together.
5) Never telling them about the shaved ice lady.
Tourists will ask you a lot out of their dumb mouths, "Hey, where's a good place to get some ice cream or something and cool down" I usually respond with "Alaska" but I definitely don't give them the pleasure of enjoying one of the best treats in town!
4) Make it mandatory for tourists to clean out the horse poop bags.
Can we use city government for something useful like this please?
3) Tell them the Santa Maria is the best place in town!
And make sure you watch as they break in to the restricted area, risk their lives on the rickety deck, just to find out that every entrance is locked and the only person in there is a ghost
2) Hack all of their navigation to tell them that downtown St. Augustine is located in World Golf Village.
Let some of those jerks experience some traffic for a while
1) Tell them that swimming with the gators at the Alligator Farm is harmless.
Another one we DO NOT EVER RECOMMEND YOU DO but would definitely be a way to cut down on tourist numbers.